Thursday, September 15, 2011

Arsewipe

Did you know that if you want quilted toilet paper it has to be made from virgin paper, i.e. straight from the tree? The more times paper is recycled the shorter the paper fibres get and thus to get the nice velvety quilted sensation your anal sphincter deserves, only brand new paper can be used. What is more is that it can only be used once and not recycled as I doubt the recycling centres would welcome the arrival of faecal stained toilet tissue – even if it is velvety quilted

And this creates a conundrum, does it not? Either treating your anal sphincter as it deserves to be treated or using inferior somewhat coarser toilet tissue made from recycled paper. Well, I think I have the solution

Almost every day I am presented with a guideline, protocol, information booklet, news story, or email on how non-GPs think us GPs can do things better. The glossier and thicker the paper on which the information is provided, the faster it finds it route to the bin. There are so many guidelines and protocols to choose from – often conflicting – that it’s all too easy just to send these in the general direction of the recycling bin and ignore them

Of course this would be folly, because in some of them are good learning articles so I can show my appraiser that I am in fact a enthusiastic and dynamic GP locum and I am not a burnt out bit of drift wood, washed up on the shores of the land of evidence based medicine.

But the long and short of it all is that tons of paper and card are used just to go straight into the bin and be recycled. These poor paper fibres have missed their one chance at being velvet or quilted toilet paper, and know the best they can hope to achieve, if their vocation as a paper fibre was thus – is to end up as recycled and somewhat inferior toilet paper

Thus there’s a simple solution. If all medical information and all medical journals and information leaflets were printed on quilted super velvety toilet paper then we could cut out the middle man of the paper recycling plant. What’s more, some of them might actually be read.

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